vulnerability

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing: it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.”

~Brene Brown

Of course I had to open a post about vulnerability with Brene Brown. She is the queen of vulnerability discussions, so I probably won’t do her justice, but these are my thoughts on the matter. 

Vulnerability is HARD. 

There. I said it.

Since living on my own through college, and now really alone in Idaho, I have shared my personal fears, regrets, longings with almost no one. No one really knows what’s going on up here [points to head]. And I think that frustrates some people! Especially my close friends: either those who have been or who I’m trying to make. So, I’m sorry.

So, this afternoon, I am delving into what vulnerability is, and why it is so difficult for me personally in the attempt to motivate myself to be more vulnerable, and to motivate you all as well.

What it is:

Vulnerability is: writing this blog.

Vulnerability is: being open when you’re afraid.

Vulnerability is: being okay with being silly and goofy with those you love.

Vulnerability is: doing something you’ve never done before.*

Vulnerability is: adventuring in new places with new people

Vulnerability is: being brave.

Vulnerability is: celebrating the little things.

Vulnerability is: acknowledging your fears and telling others about them.

Vulnerability is: being ok with not knowing something.

Vulnerability is: asking for help.

Vulnerability is: being open and honest with yourself.

Why it’s hard:

I don’t feel in control.

This was a big one for me to realize, and Brene Brown hit it right on the nose. As an ICU nurse, I am always in control. I have complete control over my patients, their lives, labs, daily happenings. All of it.

And I transfer that to my everyday life.

(P.S. I am making these realizations as I am writing this.)

I am so used to feeling in control of every situation, that is so extremely uncomfortable to feel out of control, feel vulnerable.

I think this has affected my friendships: both the old and the new. I think that by not being vulnerable in order to stay in control, I have put everyone I love at arms length. Which isn’t fair to them or to me!

What I’m going to do about it:

I’m going to be vulnerable.

I’m going to open up to my friends.

I’m going to lose control.

I’m going to write this blog

I’m going to tell people when I’m afraid.

I’m going to be silly and goofy.

I’m going to do something I’ve never done before.*

I’m going to adventure in new places with new people.

I’m going to be brave.

I’m going to celebrate the little things.

I’m going to acknowledge my fears.

I’m going to be ok if I don’t know something.

I’m going to ask for help.

I’m going to be open and honest with myself.

These are a lot of *new things that I am going to do, and to be honest, I’m a little nervous!

Friends: help me. Help me be vulnerable with you so that we can grow our friendship.

And finally, to you: I hope this brings you hope, joy, and even a little fear. Fear that maybe you could be being more vulnerable with those you love. Fear that this might be the start of something new and challenging for you.

Best of luck, and feel free to reach out.

Rach